Friday, April 30, 2010

Believe It, Be It

I've struggled lately on my weight loss journey. I lost all of the motivation and determination that I had back in December and early January. I lost it when my grandma was diagnosed with her leukemia, but I was able to maintain for quite a long time. Even after she passed away, just 6 weeks after learning about the leukemia and I was facing very strong emotions and terrible grief, I still continued to maintain. As things have settled down and we have cleaned out all of her things and reality has truly set in that she is gone, I find myself still grieving as strongly as I did from day one, it seems. I have turned back to my vice, as terrible as I know it is for me, and as badly as I really don't want to do it... I have been drinking pop. Everyday. Many times a day. Probably about 5 pops a day. And I drink regular pop, so lots and lots of empty, liquid calories. Combined with the issues I've been having with my feet (and my lack of motivation, self-control, etc.), this has led to my gaining back the 12 pounds I had lost. So now I'm back where I started.

And it just plain sucks.

I have tried a few times lately to get my motivation back, but have not been too successful. But I'm hoping things will be different now. A good friend of mine and I have agreed to be each other's accountability partners. She also struggles with weight and losing it, so we both know what the other is going through. We are trying to push each other, praise each other for our accomplishments, keep each other motivated, and just keep on track of each others food and exercise logs through the website FitDay. This is our first week at it, but so far so good.

I have also been reading the book "Believe It, Be It: How Being the Biggest Loser Won Me Back My Life," by Ali Vincent. It is a very inspiring book and is really helping me see some things about myself. I believe that most people that say they want to lose weight just want (and expect) it to be easy... or at least easier. I know I have. But I also know that its not easy and it never will be easy. I also have realized that losing weight and getting healthy really involves a lot more than just exercising and eating better. I realize you have to face the mental issues and emotions that have been holding you back all this time. You have to discover and admit to yourself and others that you have a problem, that you're not happy, and most importantly why you're not happy. And I don't mean what parts of your body you're not happy with. Really why you're not happy. What caused you to make those bad choices that led you to where you stand now.

So I realize I need to admit some things before I can really move forward... so I figured why not just put it all out here on my blog? I realize this is just a start and I still have a lot of discovering to do about myself. But this will help me to do that and will give me the kickstart I need, at least.

So here goes...

I'm not happy with myself. I feel like I have lost so many of my dreams, goals, and my sense of self. There are (many) days when I just don't want to go anywhere. I don't want people to see me looking this way. I'm ashamed of the way I look. And I don't like people knowing I feel badly about myself.

I also don't like making excuses (why are we all tuned to be so good at making them, though?). I know I have made bad choices during the last 8 or 9 years as I've put on the weight equivalent to an extra person. I need to just forgive myself for these bad choices and move on. I thought I had, but I realize now that I really haven't. So I am trying.

I have figured out what some of the "causes" are for my weight gain, but I don't know that I'll share them all on my blog. I may share with some of you individually, but I don't want to air my dirty laundry here. Its tough to face some of the old issues... digging up the past sucks... especially when I thought I'd moved on from then... and I have in most ways, but I need to face some things again to (hopefully) fully overcome them... I guess that is part of the process. :)

So I am going to move forward and I will be successful at the end of this journey. It'll be a long journey, but its one that needs to be taken.


lina said...

Thank you for your post, Sara. You are expressing here what so many of us feel on a daily basis: the guilt, the sense of hopelessness, but also the willingness to keep on trying to be a better person in so many ways. We all have issues to deal with and work on, but just seeing those issues for what they are, accepting the fact that they exist, and then taking action to make them better is all part of the journey to becoming who we want to be: Someone we can be proud of. Your honesty is appreciated and I am here to support you in every way that I can! Thank you for supporting me, too. We all stumble, but getting back up is the important part and its what we need to cling to. Have strength! :)

The Voogts said...

I'll be here to support you in any way you need. You know I've had plenty of struggles of my own and still do. It took me a long time to accept myself and let go of the past. And to realize that God loves me...all of matter what. I am his perfect creation. And if he loves me then I should love myself. You are loved. Forgive yourself, accept yourself and push on. I know you can do it! Feel free to share as much or as little as you want with me :)

Jaime and Jeff said...

I am here for you...even though we are far away. You go girl...that dirty laundry is NOT fun to air... and its hard enough to deal with it at all. I admire you and am proud of you for tackling it! I love you, and I want you to love yourself as much as we all love you :)